In Dire Need of Physical, Mental, & Emotional Healing

I belong to a very special church.  In this church, we believe in spiritual healing, psychic ability, and any and all things metaphysical.  It is the only religious place I have ever felt as a being home.  Even more than the apartment that I live in with my Husband and Toddler Son.  Within this church, they have many offerings as far as classes in enriching and expanding one's psychic ability and power to heal, monthly "Healing Sundays", and many opportunities to network with others.  Sadly, I'm really starting to feel left out.

It's not that the people in the church don't invite me to do anything, or that they are "shunning" me, as I have been in the past by my father's church, which I grew-up in.  It's the fact that until this past year, I hadn't been able to attend service regularly.  I had been attending Divine Fellowship since the church was 2 years old.  Unfortunately, I am no closer to some of the members as I wish to be.  I miss out on a lot of the fun and healing because either I just don't have the money to make the classes (most of them being more than $50 to attend.)  Or, when there is something like a church get-together or even the after Sunday brunches at T.J.'s (i think that's what it's called), I miss out on all the bonding.  But it wasn't until this years baptism that I now feel like I really missed out on something that I have been praying for for the last 15 years.  Healing on all levels.

This past Sunday was our churches baptism/pool party.  I had planned to make this party since they first announced it and set a date.  I had it all planned out.  Stay home from church, have Luke take an early nap, and then leave here at 1pm right when everyone was showing up.  I even had a map printed out on mapquest and a bag packed.  Then, Matt stayed home sick from work the previous night with a nasty head cold.  He slept all that night, all through the morning until it was time to get ready to the party.  What does he tell me?  He didn't feel like he could go.  I wanted to cry.  Luke hadn't been swimming all this summer, let alone get many chances to play outside because I'm the one who gets sick from heat.  I was so upset.  Matt tried to fake it like he'd just buck it up but he still had to work that evening.  I couldn't in good conscience let him do that for my sake. 

So, today, I get an e-mail from our pastor, Janice Lynch.  I feel like it was rubbed in my face all the fun that was had and how the pool water had so much energy from everyone and the baptisms, that people were actually being PHYSICALLY healed and PAINS EASED just from being in the water.  I know this wasn't Janice's intention with the e-mail.  It was part of her weekly "What's Up" through our church and she never does anything to be particularly cruel.  So, I must chalk it up to Karma.  Yet again, I have done something so wrong that I don't deserve to be healed in any fashion.  This is the same Karma that keeps me from getting SSI, loosing weight, or being the mom that my son deserves. 

I hate this.  I hate missing out on everything.  I hate my husband's job for making him work overnight just to guarantee that he gets full-time or even just barely enough pay to barely keep a roof over our heads let alone the lights on and gas in the car.  I hate that I have no energy to get anything done in my home because I am just now hitting the point of "Too Fat To Function" and it makes me want to die.  I also hate that because of this depression, I lack the DRIVE to even walk a couple of blocks for activity, let alone took away any sense of tingle that could translate into a labido.  Even my husband cruely teases me about it, when I am freaking out every moment he's not home that he maybe turning to other women to fufill his needs.  It's bad enough he has to take up my slack with the internet when he thinks I'm sleeping in bed.

So, what keeps me from taking a knife to my wrist?  Just the single thought that I can't do that to my son.  He deserves a sad and in-pain mom more than no mom at all.

Frakkin' Sweet (Spoilers Alert)

I am watching both Battlestar Galactica and Caprica at the same time.  Both for the first time.  I would like to highly recommend this practice.  I am seeing a lot of similarities and puzzle pieces fitting together for me between these series' pasts & presents.  Because of this, I have lots of new theories on how the Cylons become what they do.

At the beginning of BSG, they tell you about the 20-sum odd year feud the humans & cylons have with each other.  They start with the Cylons duping the humans by revealing one of the "5"'s and destroying the space station where this "Treaty" was to take place.  It was then realized how intellegent these machines really are to be able to create such a sophisticated android.

Now, zap back to the past with Caprica.  A super computer genius girl dies in a terrorist attack her boyfriend triggers.  She leaves behind an "Avatar" so advanced that she knew her creator died as she did.  She also holds all of the girl's memories, experiences, and what have you.  Zoe's Father (the girl's name) is a Bill Gates of sorts.  He is the man who creates the first Cylon.  He finds a way to "capture" his daughter's avatar and thought it a brilliant idea to implant her into said Cylon.  Because of this, I believe that it is this Zoe Avatar that creates the skin jobs.  I am also going to go out on a limb and say that it is because of this original Cylon that all cylons & skin jobs believe in monotheism.

I have few speculations after that but those are my two biggest and I lu-u-uvvvv IT!!

So, that's all I had to share.  n_n

Talking to my Dad

Why is it that even when I have a nice conversation with my dad, I still feel like I'm wasting his time? 

I actually called my dad this morning (Sunday, mind you) and he actually picked up the phone.  I wanted to let him know Grampa's birthday party was back on.  I didn't want to have to let him know but it was out of curtious obligation that I did so.  He hates the whole "Short Notice Flip-Flopping" of any kind of plans that involve his time.  The man is kind of a hermit.  Even worse of one when it involves me.  But, he was fine with it.  He's wanting to go.  Especially to see his own Grandson.  He doesn't come to see him often enough.  Hell, his grandparents in Montana see this child more than he does.

Back to the point.  It doesn't matter weither the call results in good or disappointment.  I always want to cry afterwards.  I hate having to fight for this man's affection (read: approval).  I don't always e-mail him expecting it yet when I get an e-mail back from him in response to something, it makes me feel like I've won a lottery. 

I shouldn't have to feel that proud of myself when I talk to one of my parents (regardless if it's from the only parent I have who's alive.)  Honestly, and I don't care how screwed up someone takes this, children SHOULD take having parents for granted.  Everyone is entitled to parents.  This doesn't mean that children shouldn't get spanked by them or they should get everything they want when they want it.  But everyone deserves them.

It hurts like crazy that I feel like such a dissappointment, even when I'm the daughter who's actually succeeding in life, in a really messed up version of success.  I made the effort to grow-up and have a life apart from my family.  I did it to prove that I don't need their instruction, bitching, money, or support because I was a grown-ass woman and that is exactly how I will live.  I've been married, twice and have a family of my own, regardless of the fact that we are living on a small, single income and unfortunately, that is all we can do at this point.

But, as always, I have to not talk or e-mail my dad for days before he's willing to even e-mail me back in response to any photos I send him of his grandson.  And it has to take 6 months between visits to get my dad to come see his Grandson without there being a special occasion.  The same grandson, who is his only blood grandchild, created from one of his only 2 children whom he created with his wife, therefor, this child is an extension of his wife and him. 

But, he is my son.  So when he looks into his face, I'm sure he doesn't see his beloved and departed wife.  He sees his annoying, clumsy, fat, and needy oldest daughter.  And because of that, regardless of weither our short correspondences were good or dissappointing, I want to cry each time because I still feel like I wasted his time.

Motherhood for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing

I dedicate this blog to Keri Jo.  She knows I love her.  n_n  I write this completely in jest.



HAVING SAID THAT...

I seriously do envy her sometimes.  I had just put some dishes into the dishwasher and "Mommy's Little Helper" decided he wanted to pull a couple of dirty spoons out to play with.  I told him "No" and put them back.  He reached back in there and grabbed at them.  I put the lid up, careful to pull his arm out, and told him no.  He fought to get the arm BACK in the machine inwhich I grabbed it back out, smacked his hand and told him "No!"  With this, he shrieked and screamed.  When he quit, he reached his arms out to me for me to hold him.  I did and he was fine.

I remember all the times Luke has cried and screamed and shrieked and wailed.  Almost everytime, I wished I had a Cochlier Implant.  It is a divice that is surgically implanted into a deaf person's Cochlia, the itty bitty shell lookin' thing that has lil' hairs inside that vibrate, then send the message to the brain that you are hearing things (i.e. baby screams).  A magnet is placed under the skin above your ear inwhich you attatch a "node" (think the earbud to an ipod).  The node is connected to a box about the size of a 90's model walkman tapeplayer.

NOW, HAVING SAID THAT!!!...

Here is my:

 TOP 6 REASONS WHY IT'S AWESOME TO BE A DEAF MOM!!

6.  Instead of telling you child "I'm not going to hear it", you
      can also mean it!
5. You can have a quiet moment any time you choose.
4. When your children are being brats, you can ignore them
     completely!
3.  Trips through the toystore or even driving by them are lots
      easier.
2.  The "Why?" Game?  What's that?
1. Screaming midget?  Take off your hearing aid.  Problem
    solved.

But there is one thing in particular that makes deaf parenting just like regular parenting.  CHILDREN LEARN SIGNLANGUAGE A LOT SOONER THAN SPEAKING!!
Keri, you have my sympathy.  lol!!       IooL  <~i luv u

Body Mod: How's That Workin' For ya?

I was watching a show called "Taboo" that my hubby rented from the Library.  This thought was brought on by the episode about Body Modification throughout the different cultures in the world.  Well, they had the infamous "Lizzard Man" of Austin, TX.  For those of you who do not know or have heard of this guy, he makes his living being, well, a human Lizard!!  Let me describe what this guy has had done to himself:

*Teflon Implant Bumps in his eyebrow ridges
*Had his toung split in two for a "Forked" illusion.
     ~NOTE: he can move both parts semi-independantly from each other.  ew.
*Nipple Piercing and Ear Spools...the least of the freakiness.
*FULL BODY TATOO IN THE DESIGN OF REPTILE SCALES, some colored green...
     ~plus a few tribal designs and the words "FREAK" across his chest.

Oddly enough, this wasn't the result of a guy who thought one day "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I made myself look like a total nut job painted green and had a freaky tongue?"  As a matter of fact, he was raised by normal parents, had a pretty good childhood, and was majoring in Philosophy in College!!!!  His plan with this was actually brought on by a philosophical question he wanted to enact. 

Is it possible to cross the realm from Person to Reptile?  Or something very similar to that line of thought.

From there, he proceeded to invest his money, time, and personal "normalcy" to persue this feat.  To this day, he performs freak shows to captive audiences everywhere.  He is very happy with this choice and I'm sure if Dr. Phil asked him "How's that workin' for ya?", he'd honestly reply, "It's working quite well for me!  I've never felt freeier in my life!"...and I'd buy it!

But having said that, as much as I accept body mod as one's personal expression of themselves, and as cool as I think it is, to make the commitment to have something extream, unnatural, and most times permanent done to you, it's something that I think you would have to make ABSOLUTELY SURE you want done.  Seriously, with something like having tattoos, Piercings, Brands (shudder), and even Plastic Surgury, you really have to think of the long term repercussions of this decision and listen to who ever is doing the proceedure if they have any concerns with what you have chosen, placement, and possible side-effects from having said thing done.  Especially if they tell you "This could result in something VERY not cool if I miss the target even by a little bit."

The one thing, though I think people really need to ask themselves is what's more important to you in the world you live in;  Your own positive view of yourself and ego, or the ability to make a decient life for yourself?  Really, walk into a couple of businesses.  Any busienss, weither Blue Collar, Offices, or even Fast Food.  How many people can you visually pin point have visual body mods, not including peirced ears on women?  Less than 2 holes a lobe, mind you.  That right there should be a good gauge on what's worth spending the money and risk on and not. 

There is no knowing if you are going to try for a job at a bank, retail, or even high-paying job after you leave High School and/or College.  I'm sure that as free as one becomes upon leaving your parents house, you want to go and do all the things possible to define yourself to the world.  But when you go and get that Mike Tyson style Tribal Tat on your face, as hot as it looks on you, you eventually graduate Lawschool and are wanting to practice Criminal Law.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to be the Defendant in a Murder Trial and my Lawer looks like someone who's former girlfriend was his Cellmate Jimbo.  See?

So, to paraphrase, Tattoos & Peircings are cool, but keep it tastefull and hidden if you want a job.

School v. Long-Haird 4 year-old boy

I saw a clip about a little boy who was suspended from his Pre-School for having long-hair.  It's about time too.  We need to purge those hippie children from our youngster's lives and let them know that their social liberalness will not be tollerated.  There are more important things we need to teach our littler students like Tolerance of children who act-out with bad behavior or the practice of Second Chances to tikes who are physically & emotionally violent to others.


You see, when children are this young, they need to learn that it is NOT okay to be a kid.  We need to teach our children standards of the work-place now so they can start working in serious careers in the next two decades.  Heck, with the current removal of Music & Art programs, and soon Physical Education and maybe even Reccess in the future, we'll catch up with the Asians by next decade!!  


On a serious note, there are far greater things for a school to drop a student, let alone pre-school student over than how long his hair is.  I live in the great state of Washington...home of Seattle (a statement in itself).  Here, I've seen preschoolers with Mohawks (holla nephew!!), green hair, and afro's in classes, school yearbooks, and class photos.  It's not keeping them from learning anything.  It's not harming anyone.  We need to let kids be kids.  We only have so long in our lives to use our HUGE burst of juvinile energy before we become over stressed by life, depression, dire issues, and drama.  Once those things become our main concerns, we loose any energy we may have had for fun things in our life until we have children of our own.  And even then, we tack on more energy tax expendatures on things like feeding scheduals, playdates, the actually chasing down of said kids, and any other small details of their lives so that they may remember the fun times and events they did as a youngin'.


Having said this, I don't want anyone to be confused on one thing.  Children do need to learn what is appropriate, morals, virtues, and manners.  But don't bar them from the fun little things that don't hurt him and aren't healthy for him.  Common sense, folks.


As for the 4 year old boy...the school reasoned with the mother by allowing the boy to either cut his hair or have it braided.  The mother said "No" to both.  The child is caucasion, as is his mother.  Since white people have far more delicate and sensitive skin than people of darker skin coloring, she told them to braid his hair would make it bleed.  She did, however said she's be more than willing to put it up in a ponytail where it is out of his eyes.  The school is still refusing to let the boy back in.  The mother is still fighting.

I AM The Biggest Loser!!

My husband and I were watching the season 9 premier of "The Biggest Loser".  We love the show.  We fell in love with this show when we were staying at my grandmother's house when we were between places to live!  Well, toward the beginning of the show, I started to get the munchies.  When a show like that is advertising food, and I mean plugging the "Good for you" stuff, it happens.  Like hearing a faucet run makes you have to pee.  So, what do I go and do?  I go to the fridge, grab my snack, and munch away.  What was it I had so smartly choose to snack on while watching a show about Morbidly Obese peoples loosing mass amounts of weight?  MINT CHOCOLATE BON BONS!!  WTF?! RIGHT?! 

I would like to thank the Academy for this epic fail.  With out you, I wouldn't have obtained this award for "Dumbest Fat Person Fail".

Seriously.  I had to justify this in my head with "If it's not in the house anymore, I won't get eaten."  I blame my husband, Matt for this fail.  He bought the naughty snakins on clearence at Walmart after work one night.  One of his impulse purchases because his skinny-ass can't hold weight to save it's life.

Speaking of which, I would like to give an Honorable-Mention Fail to my Husband.  He, too is addicted to Biggest Loser.  He is a supporter of my loosing weight.  Not because he wants a hot bodied wife, he could have married someone else if that was the case.  He's a self-proclaimed chubby chaser.  He supports it because he sees me in pain and he knows how unhealthy and troubled I am by it.  He fails because he still brings home naughty snacks for the both of us to share.  Heck, he'll even abide my cravings every now and then.  God bless him.  I get to talking about my craving then he's down on it.  Or he'll get a nasty craving then buy enough for the whole class, but get eaten by just the two of us.  Yeah.  NO HELP AT ALL, BABE!!

So, I just wanted to fess all of that up to you all.  Epic Fail on my part for eating chocolate covered Mint Bon Bons.

I'm so fired.  n_n